18 2 / 2014

Did I mention I have depression? What is one thing you feel like doing when you are depressed? ABSOLUTELY NOTHING! I work in a doctors office that uses an EMR and am the main “computer help desk” person and so help me, I barely feel like getting out of bed, that long working on what the computer “won’t let me” do….I get to go home and deal with my mentally challenged aunt who broke her foot two months ago(?) and is home-bound with a boot and now my wonderful, loving cat had to have surgery on his hoo-ha and is a cone-head for the next ten days…I’m sorry for complaining. I realise many others have it much worse and I feel like such a lazy ass…why can’t I have a normal day?

11 9 / 2013

It’s so much easier to get through when you don’t think about the person that’s missing from your life. It isn’t that you don’t miss them, because you do and it’s not that they are forgotten, because they’re not. To keep moving; to keep breathing, they are held in that hidden place of your mind. They are already held in your heart which is heavy but in the hidden place they are alive. Never forgotten.

14 4 / 2013

I did not know him but his death affected me. I spent most of my 20’s thinking I would not make it to 30. I’m 40 now and am amazed every day that I am still here. I have had so many days of thinking it would be better to die and then other days of just getting through. Depression is not something to be ashamed of. It is a part of me. I wonder many days what it would be like to have a “normal” reaction to the day….a regular emotion. My parents generation you don’t talk about this in the open; you rarely talk about it at all.

There is nothing specific that happened to me to cause it; it’s always here. When major things happen in my life though, it can cause a setback. My cousin died at an early age two days after 09/11. When my grandmother died I felt I was having a nervous breakdown.  It was a hole so deep but I’m able to deal with it now. This cannot stay hidden because it only perpetuates the situation. I feel so sorry for those left behind because when you are in this hole, you really can’t think of anyone else. 

I am 40. I have a cat named Jack. I help take care of my mentally challenged aunt. I worry about my aging parents.

I have depression.

02 1 / 2013

I have been diagnosed with clinical depression for most of my life. Starting at about 16 I just stopped functioning. I sucked-it-up and moved on, all the while trying to figure out how to take my life without affecting anyone else. I had a few years of complete happiness when I accepted Jesus and became saved. Believe it or not though, you can be a Christian and be clinically depressed. There isn’t a medication I haven’t tried and there have been times that I took myself off medication, thinking I felt great, only to be right back into the same black hole again. This time I’ve made it six years without being off meds and finally found one that works without making me anxious or so sleepy I could just sit and drool without a care in the world. I have very few memories of childhood; actually I remember very little of last year; but I have come to realize IT’S OK. I figured out I can live in this world and function. I figured out that my problems are very small compared to others but they still count. God still cares and still listens. He still loves and still gives me chance after chance. I have heard from Christian teachers that all you need is God but honestly, I needed Him AND the secular counselor (who by the way was a Christian) that helped me. I’m one of these people that believes God is in control but He also expects me to get off my rear and make an effort. Never expect these problems to go away quickly. I’m 40 now and still dealing with certain issues; my aunt had a grand mal seizure in front of me and I thought she was dying; my dad is going to have to have surgery on his shoulder because of previous injury; I am in debt up past my eyeballs (all of my own doing); I am in the type of job that taking a vacation still means that work can call you; my best friends mother has Alzheimer’s which is progressing quicker than they thought; the contribution to the depression and anxiety that these issues give is massive BUT I am still carrying on……still functioning. If you read this please understand you can get out of bed. You can go to work. You are a good person. You can move. 

14 10 / 2012

I am a twitter user. Love twitter. I follow people from all over the world and get to see places that I will never go. Social media is a wonderful thing. I retweeted a post from a pastor that I follow who asked for retweets if you were going to vote this year following your Christian beliefs. I am a Christian but I am a timid Christian. I am a timid person in life generally. I wasn’t prepared for a follower of mine to ask “what if you’re not a Christian”. I didn’t know really how to respond other than that this year, I am voting more my beliefs than any other year. Christian or not, you should vote what you believe. Whether you agree with me or not, you should vote what you believe. He then stated that “he feels looked down on in the US because of his lack of faith”. If this person is not saved, how can others that say they are Christians judge him? From my own questioning and my own experiences, I told him that people that are like that are more “religious” than Christian. As I heard Damon Thompson preach “How can you say you love Jesus but you don’t love me?”. How can you be a Christian and only judge people and not love them? I have things in my life that have happened to me that no one knows about and will never know and I have come from a place of hating people and even hating God but even then, God loved me. He loves me no matter how much I fail, no matter how many times I have to ask forgiveness for my actions and my mouth and my anger. I have never cared what people thought of me but I do care about the example I give about being a Christian. I do not have all the answers. I’m glad I’m still learning. Yes you should vote your convictions, Christian or not. When the Chick-Fil-A thing happened here in the states, the thing that bothered me the most was the fact this was FREE SPEECH, not just freedom of religion. But what also impressed me was the acts of love shown to the protesters because that is what it is going to take now. Not just hell-fire and brimstone but preaching Grace, preaching the Kingdom and teaching Love. If you’re saved where would you be were it not for the Love of God? 

22 7 / 2012

I would like to have thought by now that I would be a little more accomplished in life. I like (most of the time) my job, my family is great as well as my friends. In some ways I still feel like I haven’t grown up though. Never had a serious relationship, only one boyfriend and that didn’t go very well at all. I don’t know why but I expected things to be different. I’ve told myself that I didn’t want kids and that maybe marriage wasn’t for me but the older I get, the more I want a relationship. I want someone to talk to, want someone to come home to, to go places with, to lie in bed all day with. I’ll be 40 this year and I don’t know if that is playing a big part in what is going on in my head or not. I’m sure of myself to a point. I feel pretty satisfied and stable for the most part but there is something lacking and for the first time, I’m going to go and do something about it. The fear that has been there for years, is finally gone.

Wish me luck